Forensic Science Movie Reviews
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Worthless, pointless, every copy should be destroyed
GRADE Z STUPIDITY.....
Spider Island Is Hot, But No Paradise!gave it their usual hilarious treatment, but even when viewed on its
own it's still pretty hilarious. Alexander D'Arcy (Blood of
Dracula's Castle) stars as the hapless hero, Gary, the manager of a
girls' dance troupe. Barbara Valentin, in her screen debut, stars as
Babs, the pouty-faced sexpot on the make for him. Both D'Arcy
and Valentin had long careers in European films and TV, but the
rest of the cast in Spider Island seem to have disappeared along
with this movie.
And no wonder. The acting is bad, the dubbed-in dialog is dumb,
the plot is ludicrous, the editing is poor, the special effects are
awful, the direction is amateurish, and it's not even in color. So
it's definitely one of those so-bad-it's-funny movies. For instance,
when the planes takes off for the tour it's a twin-engine plane, but
when shown in flight, it's a four-engine plane. And when Gary
finds a sledgehammer on the island he says, "A hammer...with a
long handle!" And surmises that someone has been mining
uranium on the island! Wouldn't anybody? (And how does one
mine for uranium with a hammer, anyway?) And check out the
face on that spider! Incredible! And when Gary is bitten by the
crab-like spider he transforms immediately into a monster that
looks more like a werewolf than a spider. (Why didn't the
professor turn into a monster when the spider got him?) After
Linda is killed by monster Gary he's seen running into the woods
and in the next scene one of the girls mentions that they've now
been on the island for 28 days. 28 days on a small island with a
murderous monster running around loose, and nothing at all has
happened in that time? And so on...
Star D'Arcy (a veteran of Hollywood earlier in his career) said in
an interview that he actually rewrote the script and directed the
movie. If true, then we have him to blame for this mess. He said
director Fritz Böttger was incompetent and that the actresses were
"second class." He may be right about the direction. The movie
plays as if there were two, or even more, people directing it, each
working against the other. But the actresses were not second class,
at least not in their natural endowments. The bevy of big-breasted
babes are the best thing about this movie.
This DVD edition features a short subject starring Joi Lansing
(The Atomic Submarine) in a musical video called "Web of Love"
which is more interesting for her abundant cleavage than for her
singing voice. Mary Blair (who is she?) does a burlesque-style
striptease in a second short subject called "Spider Girl," interesting
only for its seeming antiquity. And there's a more modern
striptease number, also with a spider web theme. The montage of
lurid schlock movie posters with voice-over radio spot ads is very
amusing, as well. And there are some prevues of other Something
Weird movies available. The snap case has two pages of
interesting liner notes and chapter index. The image quality and
sound are good, so all in all, this is a pretty good DVD value, if
you're a fan, like me, of really bad sci-fi/horror movies.


Bet on the SpiderAvoid this like you would a tarantula
Old-Fashioned Styling Worthy of a Good Horror CollectionIn a variation on the "Spiderman" theme, nerdy Quentin Kemmer (David Summersall) dreams of being a superhero. Working at a biotech facility, Quentin has an opportunity to inject himself with a serum that gives Quentin the powers of a spider. Quentin almost immediately saves Stephanie Lewis (Amelia Heinle) from a rapist/murderer. As the movie progresses, it turns out that beautiful Stephanie likes Quentin, and may even be interested in him.
Unfortunately for Quentin, his new spider powers come with the terrible side effect of turning him into a real spider, with the hunger of a real spider. Soon Quentin has all sorts of interesting physical changes that make him unsuitable for lovely Stephanie. In the best tradition of the B-movie, Stephanie doesn't give up on Quentin even when he's threatening to make her his next meal.
Dan Ackroyd also has a lead role in this movie as the appropriately named Detective Jack Grillo. Dan never quite puts his finger on the situation until near the end of the movie, when he realizes that just maybe a really big spider is killing everyone. Unfortunately, he also loses his lovely, but unfaithful and apparently alcoholic, wife Trixie (Theresa Russell). In one of those wonderful coincidences so common to the B-movie, Trixie's lover Officer Williams (Christopher Cousins) also meets his fate at the fangs of the spider. Interestingly, the normally humorous Dan Ackroyd plays a serious character, but is just over the top enough to be a caricature of an old-style gumshoe.
The special effects of Sam Winston are good and valuable in this movie, yet the success of the movie hinges not on the special effects, but on the plot. The characters provide a nearly believable innocence found in the monster movies of yore. We want Quentin to be good and to recover. We fall in love with the innocent, naïve Stephanie, and want Quentin and her to be together. We feel sorry for hard-working Detective Grillo, whose wife does not understand his commitment to his job. An old-fashioned monster movie pulls us in and allows us to relive the days of "I Was a Teenage Werewolf."
This movie is worthy of a horror fan's collection, and certainly worth at least one watch. This movie is most particularly worthy of a Saturday night in the fall, with someone by your side to pull in close when the spider strikes.
Just Like the Good Old DaysDavid Summersall plays Quentin, a nerdish security guard who protects his boss's arachnid DNA experiments by day and dreams of being Spiderman by night. Quentin is your typical post-adolescent who is shy about asking out his pretty neighbor, played by Amelia Heinle. During a break-in by thugs who kill his best friend, Quentin tries to do on purpose what Peter Parker did by accident in SPIDERMAN. Quentin deliberately injects spider DNA into his body with predicatble results. But in the world of EARTH VS THE SPIDER, spider powers accompany a spider's body. Quentin slowly changes into a spider that must feed on fresh human blood. It is at this point, that director Ziehl succeeds admirably in fusing the world of the comic hero with the world of the 50s mutant hero. Many of the scenes blend seamlessly from stark horror to bemused comedy. Dan Akroyd, for one of the few times in his career, plays a straight role as Lieutenant Grillo, who seeks this new webbed killer. Theresa Russell, however, is miscast as his slatternly wife, who sleepwalks through her role as a boozy flirt. The charm of EARTH VS THE SPIDER lies not in the special effects of Jeff Winston, who does his usual superlative job of making the impossibly gross seem inevitably straightforward, but in the comforting feeling that unpretentious fright flicks like this one can take the viewer back to a more innocent time when angry villagers with torches storm the mad scientist's castle to remove an evil presence. This is a gem of a movie that deserves to be on the shelf of any serious fan of the gothic genre.

Writer Brian Hayles might flunk Science 101 but he still tells an entertaining yarn filled with typical Whovian moments of danger and derring-do. The effects are prehistoric, but the Ice Warrior costumes prove a triumph of ingenuity over budget, and the central premise of a worldwide teleportation network is imaginative enough. Hayles brought the Ice Warriors back in surprisingly different circumstances in the Jon Pertwee Doctor Who classic "The Curse of Peladon" (1972). --Gary S. Dalkin

Not Troughton's best....
"This is worse than the TARDIS!"
More fun with Pat Troughton

Passable
T&A which by me is okay!If you're watching this for other than a cheap thrill, you might as well look somewhere else. This movie has only one thing to offer, big-breasted bimbo's itching to have their shirts and other clothing items torn off.
Another one of the early Surrender Cinema must have videos.This is what softcore is supposed to be. The women are beautiful, the [physical] scenes are plentiful, and the action stops just short of actual hardcore. My favorites scenes were the prison cell lesbians and the totally gratuitous encounter between the 1950's lovers in the diner.
This is an easy recommendation.
Now if only someone would do DVD releases of Surrender's two other A-list titles ("Exotic House of Wax" and "Hotel Exotica") all would be right in the world.


The Leech WomanI was too young to see "The Leech Woman" in 1959/'60 at the theater but I saw it on tv in the late 60s or early 70s, I think it was, and I loved it! I saw "The Wasp Woman," in the late '60s, on TV as well.
prepubescent horror
CAMPY HORROR AT IT'S BEST!!!IT'S PLOT AND ACTING WERE VERY GOOD.
THE SPECIAL EFFECTS WERE JUST LIKE MANY OTHER FILMS OF IT'S TIME, FOR EXAMPLE, THE FLY, WITH VINCENT PRICE.
VERY TAME BY TODAY'S STANDARDS, BUT FOR SOME GOOD CLASSIC HORROR ENTERTAINMENT, CHECK THIS ONE OUT!!
IT'S VERY GOOD!!


Great movie -- bad transfer.Unfortunately, this is the only DVD copy of this film available so I whole-heartedly recommend it as a buy for collectors. Most of the movie looks pretty good, but the defaults really make it a dissapointment. Too bad they couldn't find a better print to copy from. Guess I'll have to keep my VHS edition as a back-up.
Not a bad Fifties science fiction film, but rather boringThe first rocket of exploration launched by the United States decides to bypass the moon and head straight for Mars (the reasoning for this curious choice is clearly cinematic; we know there is nothing on the moon in 1951 but who knows what we might find on Mars). The crew for this monumental expedition consists of Dr. Jim Barker (Arthur Franz), who created the rocket, his assistant Carol Stafford (Virginia Huston), a pair of older scientists, Dr. Lane (John Litel) and Professor Jackson (Richard Gaines), and a war reporter, Steve Abbott (Cameron Mitchell). At first I was wondering why these were letting too older guys go on this dangerous mission and I thought it might be because they were old and wise, but it turns out to be because this way only Jim and Steve join Carol in the film's love triangle.
Once they arrive on Mars they discover a complex underground civilization. There are delights to be seen and offers of help from the ruling council, but it turns out to be a sham. The Martians want to use the rocket to get off their dying planet and colonize earth. But that is okay. The Martians might want to take over the earth but Jim gets them back: he teaches the natives how to play bridge ("They will never forgive you," warns one of the professors). Meanwhile, Steve is interested in Carol, but Carol has been pining for Jim for three years. Jim has been too busy being a scientist to notice Carol, but he falls for local gal Alita once they get on Mars. When Carol finally adds up the score she dissolves into tears while Steve spends an hour playing solitaire waiting for her to wise up. Amazingly enough when the rocket was sabotaged and they were all going to die in space or on Mars Carol never shed a tear.
"Flight to Mars" is directed by Lesley Selander, who primarily made Westerns and directed eight other films in 1951. The film is made in color, which matters little except for the red costumes of the Martian's ruling council, which are kind of neat looking. Made during the Cold War there is an inclination to see an appropriate sub-text to "Flight to Mars," especially with those red outfits, but that seems to be a bit of a reach in this case. Again, this film ultimately reminds me more of a Flash Gordon serial than anything else. Besides, it proves once again that not even an advanced civilization on a distant planet can stand up to a small group of Americans with a plan and a strong right hook.
Good movie Bad transfer

Back and Forth, Back and ForthNo doubt you've heard of the seductive and ultra sexy dance performed in the bar by Tandra Quinn . It is not over-exaggerated. For it's time it's probably the hottest bit of celluloid from that era. Clearly it is the high point of the movie.
Well, that's about it. A plane and its party are hi-jacked and are forced to land on the mesa top of the evil scientist's lab. From here on out it's a waste of time. The director was not trying to build suspense, he was trying to eat up film and time so this would be a movie and not a half hour Twilight Zone episode. The back and forth begins across the set begins!
The 'nurse' decides to explore in the dark by himself and is killed by a spider and screams.
After much ballyhoo and useless dialog, everyone decides to investigate. They walk across the set to the dead nurse. Then they head back.
The girl lost her hair band, bracelet, or whatever the heck it was, and the 'Man Friday' is sent to look for it. Of course he is working for the mad scientist and gets killed by him when he descends into the lab.
Now there is more walking around the set (Meanwhile we have a romance building up between the girl and the pilot). The girl's fiancée get's killed by a spider's stomach, and finally they make it down to the lab. OK let's see, the super strong female (who is immune to bullets by the way) is held easily by an ordinary girl. They escape and wrap up the film conveniently with an explosion (what else)? The film ends with a super girl on the side of the cliff, watching and waiting.
The worst part of the movie by far is the music (yes, it's worse than the not-so-special effects). It's this piano/guitar thing that just plays over and over and over and over.
Watch with caution, but don't expect much. When you say you'd rather watch Cat Women on the Moon instead of this, that's really saying something.
Proto-Lynch
Mesa Of Uncle Fester

Back and Forth, Back and ForthNo doubt you've heard of the seductive and ultra sexy dance performed in the bar by Tandra Quinn . It is not over-exaggerated. For it's time it's probably the hottest bit of celluloid from that era. Clearly it is the high point of the movie.
Well, that's about it. A plane and its party are hi-jacked and are forced to land on the mesa top of the evil scientist's lab. From here on out it's a waste of time. The director was not trying to build suspense, he was trying to eat up film and time so this would be a movie and not a half hour Twilight Zone episode. The back and forth begins across the set begins!
The 'nurse' decides to explore in the dark by himself and is killed by a spider and screams.
After much ballyhoo and useless dialog, everyone decides to investigate. They walk across the set to the dead nurse. Then they head back.
The girl lost her hair band, bracelet, or whatever the heck it was, and the 'Man Friday' is sent to look for it. Of course he is working for the mad scientist and gets killed by him when he descends into the lab.
Now there is more walking around the set (Meanwhile we have a romance building up between the girl and the pilot). The girl's fiancée get's killed by a spider's stomach, and finally they make it down to the lab. OK let's see, the super strong female (who is immune to bullets by the way) is held easily by an ordinary girl. They escape and wrap up the film conveniently with an explosion (what else)? The film ends with a super girl on the side of the cliff, watching and waiting.
The worst part of the movie by far is the music (yes, it's worse than the not-so-special effects). It's this piano/guitar thing that just plays over and over and over and over.
Watch with caution, but don't expect much. When you say you'd rather watch Cat Women on the Moon instead of this, that's really saying something.
Proto-Lynch
Mesa Of Uncle Fester

Bait and Switch
An authentic 1916 film, collectable, video taped to DVD.If you must have any and all submarine movies, or are collecting samples of cutting edge effects before the era of synchronized sound, then this DVD is for you. If you're looking for the "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" where the squid wraps around the sub in full color & sound, then I think the Disney version is the one you want. I'll keep both versions!
Recommended as a Historic Artifact, But Nothing MoreThe story, of course, is based on the Jules Verne classic--but "based" is the operative word. About the only thing this film version has in common with the Verne novel is the title, a few character names, and a few basic concepts, so if you're expecting a faithful silent adaptation of the novel you're outta luck. In this version, a scientist (Dan Hanlon) and his party go in search of sea monsters and run afoul of the Nautilus, but they soon discover that Capt. Nemo (Allen Holubar) really isn't such a bad guy after all. There's a subplot about a "child of nature" (Jane Gail) who lives on a "Mysterious Island" and who has some mixed experiences with shipwrecked sailors stranded there--and before the whole thing ends we are flashed back to colonial India for an explanation of just who Capt. Nemo really is and how he got that way. In the process there is underwater photography aplenty, including a faintly hilarious attack on a sailor by a 1916 special-effects-octopus.
The acting is extremely broad here, even for 1916, and Nemo's costume makes him look rather like a skinny Santa Claus gone bad. The Nautilus is uninspired and the cinematography is only so-so. Consequently, what audiences thrilled over in 1916 seems pretty clunky today. The film has not been well-reserved, nor has any attempt been made to restore it, and there isn't a single scene that isn't riddled with artifacts. This is really a film for die-hard silent film buffs rather than casual viewers, and even silent film buffs will probably find themselves hitting the fast forward more than a couple of times. Recommended as a historic artifact, but nothing more.
GFT, Amazon Reviewer


Better left for kids, not hard-core Highlander fans
Better Than You'd Expect!
Excellent show, quality animation.