Manual Movie Reviews
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Pass the Dramamine.
Very slow, but strangely fascinating.I don't mind not knowing what's going on, but I wish the filmmakers did. Twists seem to come out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason. At first, both women seem to view the skipper as a lesser being, a plaything for their amusement. Then Kensit acts like a spoiled brat for no adequately explained reason. The final twist comes out of left field. Sure, I was surprised, but if a big squid would have popped up in the last scene and ate the ship I would be surprised too. It doesn't mean it's a good ending. The mysterious coda is the only reason to recommend this other than T & A. Days later I found myself wondering exactly what did happen. I guess they deserve points for that.
The DVD is pretty rare and cheap (in presentation). If you like Dead Calm, but are sick of watching it, get this. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Hula Hoo, Hula HooTwo English trollops convince sea captain Prochnow to take them on his boat to the West Indies, after a scene in a dance hall where they sing a song. It should be noted that one of the other customers in the bar bears a suspiciously striking resemblance to ex president Bill Clinton, so I guess it's that sort of bar.
Anyway, on board everyone goes stir crazy, there's twosome's, threesome's and onesome's (I assume that's what Captain prochnow is alluding to when he says that he is off to reset the sail).
There's sharks, Patsy covered in suntan oil, crossbows, needles and all sorts of intrigue, but for me the justify your existence as a filmaker scene is the lingering shot of the dog doing a big job on deck.The most painful scene is watching Jurgen pretending to be a party animal by dancing a little jig and singing "hula hoo,hula hoo".
There's a dopey surprise ending that doesn't make sense, but by then you really just want the film to end so you can rewind back to the scenes of Pats rubbing that suntan oil in.
Look, borrow this with a few mates who are into ironic viewing of dismal movies, otherwise give it a wide "berth".


Pass the Dramamine.
Very slow, but strangely fascinating.I don't mind not knowing what's going on, but I wish the filmmakers did. Twists seem to come out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason. At first, both women seem to view the skipper as a lesser being, a plaything for their amusement. Then Kensit acts like a spoiled brat for no adequately explained reason. The final twist comes out of left field. Sure, I was surprised, but if a big squid would have popped up in the last scene and ate the ship I would be surprised too. It doesn't mean it's a good ending. The mysterious coda is the only reason to recommend this other than T & A. Days later I found myself wondering exactly what did happen. I guess they deserve points for that.
The DVD is pretty rare and cheap (in presentation). If you like Dead Calm, but are sick of watching it, get this. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Hula Hoo, Hula HooTwo English trollops convince sea captain Prochnow to take them on his boat to the West Indies, after a scene in a dance hall where they sing a song. It should be noted that one of the other customers in the bar bears a suspiciously striking resemblance to ex president Bill Clinton, so I guess it's that sort of bar.
Anyway, on board everyone goes stir crazy, there's twosome's, threesome's and onesome's (I assume that's what Captain prochnow is alluding to when he says that he is off to reset the sail).
There's sharks, Patsy covered in suntan oil, crossbows, needles and all sorts of intrigue, but for me the justify your existence as a filmaker scene is the lingering shot of the dog doing a big job on deck.The most painful scene is watching Jurgen pretending to be a party animal by dancing a little jig and singing "hula hoo,hula hoo".
There's a dopey surprise ending that doesn't make sense, but by then you really just want the film to end so you can rewind back to the scenes of Pats rubbing that suntan oil in.
Look, borrow this with a few mates who are into ironic viewing of dismal movies, otherwise give it a wide "berth".


Mundane GialloAn extremely minor giallo, MY DEAR KILLER is lacking in the genre's signature outrageous violence and kinky sex so dearly loved by fans of euro-trash. Only one of the killings (the one depicted on the DVD cover) has any of the nervy shock value expected from this type of film, and despite all the buildup its pretty much a throwaway of a scene. While competently directed by Tonino Valerii, a former assistant to Sergio Leone, and featuring a fine, tension-swelling Ennio Morricone score, the film suffers from an incredibly draggy pace and a deficit of the kind of fascinatingly quirky characters that usually populate such fare. Italian horror fans will surely be disappointed. That said, this mundane thriller just might be quaint enough to provide fairly diverting entertainment for connoisseurs of Agatha Christie-styled murder mysteries, as it contains all the expected clichés including the manner in which the killer's identity is ultimately revealed.
The Shriek Show DVD gives the film a very nice presentation, with a widescreen (1.85:1) transfer providing a decent showcase for cinematographer Manual Rojas' colorful imagery. Extras include two short interview segments with director Valerii and star George Hilton (who has aged remarkably well). Trailers for some other Shriek Show releases, including SPASMO, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SOLANGE and SEVEN BLOOD STAINED SHADOWS, all of which are superior to MY DEAR KILLER in every way, are also included.
Weak Giallo (Minor Spoilers)I don't know the movie's history, but here it is presented in dubbed English. The anamorphic video is good considering the age of the title. Included on the disc are some trailers and interviews.
Understated Giallo - Nice change of pace for diehards.Shriek Show's DVD offers up a fine anamorphic presentation of the film along with some brief current interviews with star George Hilton and director Valerii. Also included are some trailers for other SS titles including "7 Bloodstained Orchids" and "Hitcher in the Dark".
A nice package overall for a basically forgotten and somewhat obscure giallo. Keep 'em coming!


I lost 98 min of my life
things that make you go hmmmm
Cannibal Man (1971) d: De La Iglesia, Eloy

So boring I feel asleepA slow, reaching, desperate script.
A pointless plot with lots of leaps in logic and flow.
Bad bad bad acting.
This obviously was one of those straight-to-video mistakes.
The plot is quite shallow and simplistic: Find the magic box the bad guys worship and stop their evil world domination. Woo!
"Raiders" It Is Not; Stilted and Tedious Occult ThrillerJake Martel (James D'Arcy) is a disgraced computer expert who had been in jail. Now released, he is invited to join in the searching team led by Magnus Martel (Terence Stamp), his very rich father, who wants to get the secret of a box the Locutus hidden for years. But soon they come to realize that they have to handle dangerous cult group, of which leader The Grand Master (Udo Kier) has no hesitation to do whatever he has to do in order to secure the box for his own cause.
To be fair, the film's concept has some potential. For example, we have seen it done gracefully in Harrison Ford's "Raiders," but the film chose to be more intelligent and philosophical ... so to speak. There is no action or car chase; instead, you get several gory scenes and tortures, none of which are particularly impressive. It is quite strange, however, that though the Grand Master's army can attack the security-tight office/lab of the Martels with ease, they are always one step behind the two leading hero/heroine.
The role of Terence Stamp is little more than a cameo, so the film is virtually young James D'Arcy's. That's a problem for he is not ready for the job, and co-starring Natasha Wightman, though better than him, is just so-so. Inexplicably, we have another cameo from Derek Jacobi as the librarian, whose intended comic relief is not comic relief at all.
You can see and hear many, many historical and religious items, such as alchemist, Knight Templars, and so on, but they add up to nothing, all assembled in a messy way. And the conclusion of the film is a surprise, indeed, but may look offensive to some (or many) Christians. But it is also so incredible that it is hardly possible for any of us to take it seriously.
The film's globe-trotting story gives a good chance to see many places in Europe, all of which are shot beautifully, but that doesn't mean that we are interested in the mystery which the film is trying to show in a clithed and far-fetched way (like dots on the map). And I hear that they released it theatrically in UK, which makes a greater mystery than this film's.
Superb and bold

Terrific Film, Horrific Quality -5 Star film, 1 Star product
What? You don't get it?

This is not a Brigitte Bardot title.
Bardot at a reasonable price.Bottom line: I'm NOT complaining. At this price, this DVD is a bargain. (I happen to like dubbed foreign movies--I hate reading subtitles on my small tv screen). Until another company releases pristine versions of these films, this DVD is just fine.


Appalling film, great presentationBadly directed, written, acted, photographed, recorded - heck, I'm willing to bet that even the catering was bad on this one - it's a real ordeal even for the most devoted Fu Manchu fan. If you thought the series couldn't get worse after the astonishing use of black and white stock footage from 'A Night to Remember' in its immediate predecessor 'The Blood of Fu Manchu/Kiss and Kill' (and just to remind you, it's repeated as a pre-title sequence here to pad out the running time), you ain't seen nothin' yet. And not seeing it is probably the best thing to do by far.
But, for Fu Fanatics, the disc is still a must buy, if only for the extras and the presentation. The second of the two-part documentary descends into Jess Franco telling Christopher Lee stories about other films, but the rest of the package is well put together and Blue Underground's transfer is the best the film has probably ever looked (not much of a compliment, it's true). Now, if only they could get their hands on the first three films...
Great DVD (Extras, etc); So-So Film!Chris Lee is great as the devil doctor but the story, such as it is, is incredibly stupid. Fu, of course, wants to rule the world and to this end he plots to turn all the world's water to ice. Okay. It is up to the intrepid Nayland Smith (Richard Greene) of Scotland Yard to save the day with the help of his Watson-like sidekick Dr. Petrie (Howard Marion Crawford).
The print of the film looks great and the sound is crystal clear. The film is in anamorphic widescreen and a joy to look at.
It has always been a source of disappointment to me that these films weren't better than they are. Much of the fault must be laid squarely on the producer, Mr. Towers, who wrote all the screenplays under the name of Peter Welbeck. Why he wrote his own stories instead of basing the movies on Sax Rohmer's original novels is a mystery to me. Many of the original novels are quite good with interesting plots and characters. Even the character of Fu Manchu is more complex in the books. For instance, in "PRESIDENT FU MANCHU", Fu (remember he is a doctor), performs an operation on a young boy to save his life. You never see Lee doing anything like that in these films (or Karloff in "MASK OF FU MANCHU", or any of the other screen Fu's). Also, although Fu wants to rule the world in the books, he longs for a peaceful world without war, disease, or poverty. In the 3rd Lee/ Fu film, "VENGEANCE OF FU MANCHU", one character says, "We know of your desire to rule the world, a world of crime". Rule a world of crime? That isn't what Fu wants. Didn't Mr. Towers ever read even one of the novels? What a pity! With Lee as Fu and the wonderful Tsai Chin as his daughter, this could have been a great series. As it is, this is a very mediocre series of films with only Lee and Chin to make them mildly interesting.
Having said that, this is sort of a fun film to watch and an improvement over the previous entry, "BLOOD OF FU MANCHU" (also available from Blue Underground). You even get to see director Jess Franco in a small role as a police inspector.
The DVD extras are great. A 13 minute feature with commments from Lee and Chin, director Jess Franco and Mr. Towers. I must address one thing Mr. Towers says about Franco. He blames Franco for the poor quality of these last 2 films saying he "killed off Fu Manchu". I think that is an unfair statement. Franco isn't the greatest director in the world but the poor quality of these films isn't his fault alone. Mr. Towers must take some of the blame for his really lame screenplays. Even Alfred Hitchcock or Stanley Kubrick at the height of their creativity couldn't have breathed life into Mr. Towers lame scripts!
Also included are trailers, poster and photo galleries, some wonderful liner notes by "VIDEO WATCHDOGS" editor, Tim Lucas, info on Sax Rohmer and a bibliography of Fu novels (read some, they are good), and bios of Lee and Franco.
Overall, a nice disc for Lee and/or Franco fans, or anyone who loves that mysterious oriental super-genius, Fu Manchu. -George Bauch


Fast forward reviewOne thing I noticed in fast-forwarding through this awful thing (nice DVD advantage there), is that aside from the "M" scene there's really not much. The sixteen year-old Romina is stunningly cute, and you can clip the pictures of her hanging from a chain leaking poor quality Franco fake blood and doing a "Pretty Baby" couch turn, but the green and red lighting is actually not very erotic.
Most other sexploitation flicks have a lot more graphic nastiness, but the branding scene is a must, there's no question about that. One star for that, and one star for brief lolita Romina nudity, that's it.
Mildly erotic tale, semi-explicit for the times.
Fun seeing Jack Palance soused --

This movie blows!
Oasis of the Zombies (1983) d: Franco, Jess
Oasis of the Zombies(obviously awakened by the wiggling of bum's in tight sports shorts!) for whom they quickly become lunch.
Then in a rather lengthy flashback the story of lost gold and Nazi's is explained and a greedy young pup through his
connection with his father, is now on the trail of the lost gold.
Eventually he and his amigos arrive in northern Africa, to find the German Captain from the convoy of Nazi's, on the brink
of death, after he and his entourage were attacked by the gooey zombies after trying to recover the lost gold.
Despite warnings from the superstitious locals about the "walking dead", and the death of the German officer, the greedy
young uns are still intent on going to the oasis to find the gold.
Finally they arrive at the oasis and find some of their recent acquaintances slaughtered by the zombies. The night is upon
the young scallywags and soon too is the living dead. But, they pluckily fight them off with Molotov cocktails (which they
learnt to make at college!!) and torches (flames not batteries!). At which the zombies graciously shuffle off their immortal
coil.
There are not many zombies in here, maybe a dozen or so, so it aint exactly "Dawn of The Dead 1978". But what we do have
is a pretty dry and flaky bunch, with the occasional gory, gooey, worm ridden phisog.
Oasis isn't exactly fast paced, it takes a hell of a long time for the young gold hunters do actually get to the desert, and even
longer to get to the oasis.
These Nazi zombies must have rotten wooden limbs as a creaking always precedes their appearance, like 2 tree branches
rubbing together in the wind. And talking of wind! Though there is a lot of desert wind sound effects on the soundtrack, I
can't remember seeing a single grain of sand being blown about!
There is really only one gory death in there, where a woman is stripped (of course! It is Jesus Franco movie after all!) and
has herself promptly disembowelled. The rest of the zombie munchings are quick and nowhere near as gory as this one
scene.
The print of the film looked quite good for such an obscure piece. The lighting looked a bit screwed, though maybe this was
the fault of the dodgy "Saturn Productions", extended play video version I saw. All of the night-time scenes were either
filmed during the day in dark surroundings, big trees and all that, or were shot when it was time for the sun to be going
down. So there are a lot of shots of dark images of people in the foreground with lots of light in the sky in the background, I
guess this is "day for night" shooting. Whether it is genuine day for night shooting, or just Franco shooting against the sun
I'm not so sure.
Not Franco's best but seemingly not the worst zombie movie of which "Zombie Lake " holds the title, but which, as of yet I
have not seen. It's also not the only Nazi Zombie movie, there are supposed to be quite a few, one which comes to mind is
"Shock Waves 1975" with Peter Cushing, John Carradine and an early performance from Brooke Adams. Shock Waves for
sure though is better than Oasis, and actually does have a couple of good scary bits in it, which well Oasis, I think, lacks.
Franco uses the pseudonyms of A.M Frank for director here and Daniel Le Soeur for producer. Word has it that another
version out there (isn't there always with Franco movies?!) a Spanish version, has Jesus Franco's wife Lina Romay, in a
small part, and is seeminlgy a better version than the one I saw, with better music, and a couple of extra scenes, which may
sound like total masochism, but it seemingly makes for a better film. This other version is called Tombs Of The Living
Dead and is out on DVD somewhere.